12/31/06 Networth

Christmas visit home

I went home this weekend for Christmas. It was a very nice time -- saw a few old friends, caused a little "trouble" in the woods, and spent a bunch of time with the family.

My grandmother is depressed. Her health is good (for 83) but all of her friends are dying. She lives in a huge house with my 92 year old grandfather. Today my Mom and I were talking about it and my Mom suggested that my grandmother take a mild anti-depressant. My reaction to this was: "yeah... why not??" Seriously, if an anti-depressant might make her less depressed, then why the hell not????

My Mom is sad that all of her kids have left the house. As much as parents don't want their kids to live with them forever, they also don't want them to move too far away either. My Mom would love nothing more than if all of her kids lived in the DC area and came over to the house a couple of nights per week. My Mom is only 55... she must be thinking: "what the hell do I do now?" She can retire from her job and do anything she wanted... but having had kids in the house for over 24 years, she doesn't have any idea what to do! I find this situation really sad.

Extreme vanity?

I was watching a Dr. Wayne Dyer lecture on PBS yesterday and something he said is very relevant to me. He advised that you need to live in constant gratitude: when you see a dime on the street, you should pick it up and be grateful. You should not get irritated because it’s not a quarter.

I’ll readily admit that I am not always grateful for what I have. In particular, I feel inadequate because I do not work on Wall Street as a banker. My conversations this weekend with the hot banker have rekindled these somewhat latent feelings.

The point is, I know I am smart enough to be a banker, I’m just frustrated I haven’t tried harder to become one. Instead I work as a bean counter and try to stay conscious by consuming lots of Starbucks.

In previous posts I talked about how I hoped that I would begin to regain my ego, my “edge”. Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s happening because I just don’t feel the drive to be an accountant or to work in the “back office”. Nevertheless, lots of good could come of this if I channel it into productive actions.

In the interest of living in a state of gratitude (and not extreme vanity!!) here’s a very short list of what I have to be thankful for regarding my current job situation:

1. I have a job at an excellent bank
2. My job pays well & I have excellent benefits
3. The people I work with are extremely nice, not miserable, and I can tell they want me to be successful
4. My hours are excellent – typically out by 6 or 6:30. If I use my time wisely this leaves me lots of time to focus on self-improving things that will help my career (and goal of being a banker) such as:
1. Completing the CPA (February, 2007)
2. Study hard for the GMAT and break 700 (August, 2007)
3. Diligently prepare grad school applications (November, 2007)

Emotional Hangover

Whew… what a night! I had date #2 with the hot banker I met online. I went to the birthday party of a friend from high school. Not surprisingly, I was bored out of my mind so I left early. I called the banker and he was still at work… midnight on a Saturday! I invited him over and he said he would get here around 1.

He came in and we drank a few beers and chatted for at least an hour, maybe two. Then we proceeded to the bedroom for activities. Of note is that the activities were way less tame than what I normally engage in.

Afterwards, we took a lengthy shower together during which we talked about gold! The banker was skeptical of my cynical belief that gold is going to the moon. Nonetheless, I enjoyed the chat immensely. This morning there was more talking and more bedroom activities.

What’s amazing is how appreciative and generous and real he seems to be. Even though he claims to be “bi”, he admitted to me that he is not attracted to 95% of women. Later, as we were cuddling, he told me that he knows he must be gay because he is enjoying this “way too much.” He also told me many times how hot I was and what a great body I had. As someone who has always been a little self-conscious about being skinny, I loved the compliment!!

After a euphoric couple of hours this morning, the tiredness hit me and I started to contemplate what all of this means. It’s so predictable that after an extended period of having a blast, I feel like shit the next day. Usually it’s a combination of alcohol, lack of sleep, and quiet that causes it. Nonetheless, it was a fantastic evening and I hope there are many more to come!

An evening with a hot banker

Here’s a story that I’m almost too embarrassed to write down in this blog:

Tonight I met a guy online gay banker style. We met up outside his apartment building around 11:30 (already past my bedtime) and proceeded to go for a beer. The reason I did this is because a) his picture was very hot; and b) he was a banker. Tall blond bankers are a HUGE turn-on for me. I wouldn’t admit that in polite company, but there you have it.

As we’re heading back to his apartment, I feel a rumble in my stomach. This is not totally unexpected as I had been taking a fiber supplement for the past few days. Despite the supplement, I still was unable to have a successful BM until… tonight. The urge to go was so strong I knew I would have to go right into his bathroom as soon as we got to his place.

When we get to the apartment, I tell him I need to use the restroom. He shows me where it is, but tells me there’s a water issue and starts fiddling with valve that controls the water intake. I’m almost in a panic but there’s nothing I can do but use the facilities. After a very stressful couple of minutes -- during which I had to remove the tank cover and hold down the stopper – I was able to get the damn thing to flush. When everything went down without incident, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I scrubbed up and ended up having a very enjoyable time with him.

This guy is very, very closeted but he seemed to enjoy himself enough that he begged me to spend the night. I declined but we agreed to have dinner tomorrow. It would be awesome having a hot, blonde, banker FB that I could see once or twice a week!!

Trouble

Since the age of 14 or so, I have been having sexual relationships with two friends from school. Each of which was purely sexual and never was there an emotional element. After all, we were straight!

One of the guys is now engaged to be married to a girl, the other one is living in Chicago and is still very closeted. I'll save the commentary about my friend who is getting married for another time.

From age 14 onward, until only about a couple of years ago, just about all of my sexual experiences were done in secret, and often in the woods. I remember how turned on I used to get by sneaking around... I still get a little bit of that thrill with one of these guys -- the one who lives in Chicago. For the last few years, we have hooked up over the holidays when we are both in town to visit our families. Usually, our activities are quite tame. This time however, we have been flirting over IM about doing other stuff.... So, this winter, I plan to have a Brokeback Mtn. style evening with an old friend... in the woods... I can't wait!!

HS Friends

Every year, on the day after Thanksgiving, a bunch of my high school friends and I get together to play football. By now, just about everybody from home knows that I am gay (expect my parents).

Maybe I'm being paranoid but I detected a slight change of behavior toward me from a couple of the guys. One in particular, put his arm around my shoulders after a good play. It seemed like he caught himself and awkwardly removed his hands... In another instance, someone refused my offer for water when he was obviously very thirsty.

If my suspicions are correct, I attribute their behavior to two things. 1) They are homophobic; and 2) They are not very self confident. I think it's probably a combination -- these guys have always had inferiority complexes for some reason.

I know that this behavior is harmless but it kind of confirms why I need to live in NYC (as opposed to a suburban area). Unfortunately, many straight guys get very uncomfortable around homos. Everybody is entitled to feel however they want, but in many cases, I think their discomfort is rooted in their own insecurities.

Rolling Over my VIX Options

The VIX has become insanely cheap.

The VIX index represents fear – or lack thereof – in the market based on the premiums built into option prices on the S&P 500. My back-of-the-envelope analysis:

1) Its a good time to buy options (I especially like deep-in-the-money call options on stocks that don’t pay dividends such as Newmont Mining)

2) There is way too much complacency in the market. I am not a “World is Ending” type of person but I do think that there is substantial risk in the market. Here’s a quick list of risks:

• Global structural problems (US Deficits/Bretton Woods II/Capital Flows, etc., etc.)
• Lofty stock valuations in the US and around the world
• Slowing economic growth in the US
• Rising inflation around the world
• Housing bubble(?) in the US might be deflating
• Gold is steadily rising (look at the price curve on gold futures and you will see that you can sell long-dated gold futures today and guarantee a ROR > Libor)
• Commodity price volatility
• Torrid growth in India & China

Therefore, I think that owning gold and the VIX is a good hedge against today’s complacency. The only problem with the VIX is that you cannot buy the index outright – you have to buy options. These options are, unfortunately, very pricey. Nevertheless, I plan on buying some more long-dated calls on the VIX and rolling them over frequently. With this method, I won’t lose too much of the option premium derived from the time value.

Action Plan:

Tomorrow I will sell two VIXEB calls for a ST loss of $440. I will buy two VIXHB calls to replace them.

I am quite comfortable taking ST losses in the VIX using this strategy. For one thing, I’m pretty sure I won’t be negatively impacted by the wash sale rule. Also, I would imagine that, over time, this strategy will become profitable if the VIX experiences any kind of pop.

If, on the other hand, the VIX keeps going down, I will presumably be making healthy gains in the my stock portfolio which will more than offset the ST losses I’m taking in the VIX options. Given my conviction on this matter, I should be buying a lot more than 2 calls but that is what I will stick with for now. I haven’t really discussed this strategy with an “expert” so before I do, I want to keep it small.

My own hipocrisy

In the interest of self-reflection and self-improvement, I am trying to avoid behaviors that might cause other people to be uncomfortable.

On Saturday night I was talking to the bf about the different personality types of my two roommates. I told him that D (roommate 1) has a way of making people feel completely at ease. For example in the year and a half I've spent living with him, I've never felt uncomfortable if I had one of his beers or used some laundry detergent he had purchased. Conversely, he could have used anything of mine knowing that I wouldn't give a damn. Neither of us keeps score because we know it always evens out in the end.

Contrast that with K (roommate #2 and gf of roommate #1) -- I get the sense that K is indeed keeping score. The best example of this is yogurt -- we both eat the same kind of milk yet she insists on buying and opening her own carton. I'm sure she notices (and maybe gets annoyed?) if I were to use her stuff.

In a hypocritical manner, on Sunday morning I commented to the bf that he is a "hot sleeper." He's often very warm at night and somewhat sweaty. This is obviously something totally out of his control, and in no material way do I find it offensive. Nonetheless, I decided to tell him this for no particular reason other than that I found it slightly annoying when he was trying to cuddle with me. Even though I tried to say it in a nice way, I think he actually took it for what I was really saying.

Granted, this is very minor in the grand scheme of things, however it was unnecessary and I think I may have made him feel a bit uncomfortable and self-conscious. Overall, I think that I rarely say things that make other people uncomfortable but I strive to never do it.

Best Movie Ever

This afternoon I went to see Borat with a friend in Chelsea. In my opinion it was hilarious and quite possibly the best movie of the year.

I can see why it totally appeals to denationalized, liberal, anti-bush, urban, borgeious people on the coasts. It shamelessly humiliates people from the Red States.

I've heard of some people being so offended that they have left the theater. As far as I can see, the movie was extraordinarily crass but not offensive. If anything it is a liberal, pro-Jewish, pro-gay, anti-SUV, anti-gun, and anti-muslim movie.

Earned Free Stuff from HSBC

Today in the mail I received a free night at any Marriott Hotel courtesy of HSBC. I keep over $15k in the high yield online savings account and, if used wisely, this could be a $200+ savings if I use it before January 1, 2008!

Profile of "K"

This will be the first of (hopefully) many posts in which I profile a “cool” person I know.

To start, let’s discuss my friend K. He is gay, 33 years old and recently moved to NYC from a city in the Midwest. He works on Wall Street as a wealth manager at one of the most prestigious banks. He is very good looking and appears considerably younger than 33.

When I first met K about 10 months ago at a friend’s apartment, I was totally enamored. He chatted me up and asked me all sorts of questions. He really seemed to be interested too! Here I am thinking: “wow, this hot guy must be really into me!” As the weeks went by, we developed a really close friendship. Today, I would consider him one of my closest friends.

K is one of the friendliest, outgoing, tactful, yet (seemingly) genuine people I’ve ever met. He is nice and disarming to everybody he meets – the cleaning lady, the deli guy, tourists asking directions, corporate executives, beautiful people, ugly people, homeless people, etc., etc. It’s not surprising therefore, that he has no problem whatsoever meeting guys. Even if he is completely disinterested, he will look them in the eye, touch their shoulder and show interest. I guess it’s not surprising that he is so successful convincing wealthy people to place their money ($8 million minimum) in his care.

All of that stuff is not what makes him remarkable though… it’s his consistency. There is nobody I would rather spend time with because he is always fun. Even if he has had a bad day, he will laugh it off: “ha! Today sucked! Now let’s go get a drink! HAHAHA!” I think I have only seen him mad ONCE. Now, I am not someone that wears my feelings on my sleeve, but I will tell my friends if I’m in a bad mood or if something bad happened to me.

A deeper analysis of K will be the subject of a future post. I think that he certainly has some “issues” that he mostly keeps private. The public K is a people-magnet and I have tried to emulate his style with some success. To Be Continued…

My stupid way of paying for summer vacations

Instead of using money from savings, I financed my vacations this summer on my credit card. The reason I do this is because I am extremely averse to withdrawing money from savings. So when it comes time to take a vacation somewhere, I put it on my credit card and hope to pay it off as soon as I can.

The average balance in my credit card account since July has been approximately $2,000 and I have paid $88.93 in finance charges to Citibank. It’s not all that much and as crazy as it sounds this is better (for me) than to have taken the money out of savings. This gives me the incentive to spend less so that I can pay the card off ASAP.

Starting with the first paycheck from my new job, I will start try something different. I will put $100 into my savings account and $100 into a brand new account which will be called "accrued vacation & misc expenses account" on my personal net worth statement. This way since I have a corresponding liability already setup and I don't have to feel guilty spending money from this account -- it will have no effect on my networth. $2,400 into this account per month should be sufficient to pay for any vacation expenses I'm likely to incur next year.

Thought provoking quotes

I am fascinated by successful people. I can’t really define success other than I think I know it when I see it. A few seemingly unrelated articles/quotes this week have really gotten me thinking:

1) In this week’s Economist is a terrific special report on talent “one of those irritating words that has been hijacked by management gurus. It used to mean innate ability, but in modern business it has become a synonym for brainpower (both natural and trained) and especially the ability to think creatively. That may sound waffly; but look around the business world and two things stand out: the modern economy places an enormous premium on brainpower; and there is not enough to go round.”

2. In a recent post entitled “Hit Em Where They Aint”, Uncle Bill talks about a “young, bright, pretty, perky” girl he met who was successful because she was competing against people who “were fat, balding and boring. Her career and her salary took off.”

3. Finally, also pointed out to me by Uncle Bill was advice I had read in a Ben Stein column about how to “Succeed in Hollywood – or anyplace else”:

There's No Such Thing as Being Too Likeable

Remember how it was in high school? The friendliest, most self-confident kids got to be chairman of the student council and had a crowd hanging on them. Well, it's exactly like that in real life in Hollywood (or anywhere else). Men and women gravitate to those who are likeable and easy to be around.

Think of your own bad self. Who do you like to be around? Sourpusses or friendly, encouraging, smiling people? That's how it is in the workplace, too.

Your likeable self is the self who gets ahead. Remember it, and win in Burbank, Beverly Hills, or Bergen County.

9/30/06 Net Worth

More info about the new boyfriend

I have been “casually” dating a guy for about two months. As I have mentioned here before, he’s not exactly my type. Nonetheless, there are many things I do like about him so I think I should elaborate.

I am a tall, thin person and I like someone who is bigger and taller than me. The current boyfriend is considerably shorter than I am and also quite small. When we’re lying around in bed or on the couch, it seems that both of us want to be cuddled. It made us laugh once because both of us were trying to position ourselves in the interior position on the couch while we were watching a movie.

So that’s strike number one against him. Strike number two is more a reflection of my own vanity. Having only recently come out of the closet (gradually over the last 2 years) I think that one thing holding me back from getting into relationships is my desire to only date someone who is better looking than I am. I want to introduce a tall, great looking guy as my boyfriend. Thankfully, issue #2 is getting much better. I have introduced this boyfriend to many of my friends and I notice that I’m caring less about this than I once did.

There are some great things about the relationship -- we really get along well and we certainly are attracted to each other. Also, I’m learning that it can be fun to be seeing someone. Even if I’m just going over to his place to watch TV, it’s comfortable and nice.

Instead of just going with the flow, I think that one of these days I will have to make a decision. For example, he wants to take a trip with me over the next couple of weeks. I feel like a trip – alone – means that things are going to get more serious. I don’t know whether or not to go on the trip and just relax, or if I should not go on the trip because I don’t want things to get more serious. It sounds like a silly question but this is the quandary I find myself in now.

Year in Review and Plan for Next Year

It’s been two years since I graduated college (I still think in terms of academic years). The first year was extremely tough: I hated my job, hated where I was living, didn’t have a lot of friends, and I was wracked by anxiety because of all this. Year number two could not have been more different.

This past year has been, without a doubt, the best year of my life. In 2005/2006, I moved into a great apartment in New York City and fell in with an amazing group of friends. These are people that know how to have a great time – and we certainly did lots of that this year! Equally important though, nearly all of them are very successful in their academic and professional careers. They are also a bit older than I am (mostly early 30’s) which is good, I think, because I’ve always tended to get along best with people who were a few years older. For the first time in my life, I feel a real connection with my friends – I feel closer to them than I do my family (something I plan to address this year, actually).

Where this year fell short was in the professional sense. Instead of getting all worked up about how much I hated my job, I kind of fell into a brain dead complacency. I got my work done but I had very little focus. I still read the WSJ and the Economist but I never focused on it – I was just going through the motions all year. It really hit me when I was interviewing for an assistant controller job at a hedge fund recently. The Controller asked me what I knew about CDS. As someone who claims to read the Wall Street Journal every day, how could I not explain what Credit Default Swaps are? I have read numerous articles about it but yet I couldn’t tell him what they were! I was reading the paper but not actually retaining anything – this is a huge contrast to the way I was in senior year of college. I would spend countless hours at the library just reading… and I had such focus! I remember one day that I became interested in offshore trusts (weird, I know) and spent all afternoon reading in the law library about the subject. Time just flew by when I would read about this stuff. I can hardly think of a single moment in the past two years where I have found that kind of focus or had that kind of curiosity.

Some general goals I have for myself for this year:

1. Regain that old focus and intensity I used to have. I want that to manifest itself in three primary areas:
1. Work: I want to do a great job at work
2. Workouts: I want to have great, intense workouts and I want to gain at least 5 pounds of muscle, but preferably 10. (Right now I am approximately 156 lbs)
3. Education: I need to finish the CPA, begin studying for GMATs, and focus on really reading the WSJ and Economist

2. I need to maintain the great friendships I have formed over the past year and I hope to cultivate new ones.

3. I want to come out to my family

4. I want to try having a “serious” relationship – something I have yet to do

5. I want to avoid “lifestyle creep” this year. I will be making considerably more money but the majority of it should go to savings because I am doing just fine on what I make now